Betta get ready…Suckas

So…according to Family Radio I only have one day left until the rapture and the end of the world. They actually guarantee it on their website. Tomorrow is judgement day. No way around it. Fascinating. In getting ready for this guaranteed event, I thought I would provide a list of the top seven things I will be doing today to get ready. Why seven? Because it is God’s number and if judgment day is coming tomorrow I can use every last piece of help I can get. So, without further adieu, here we go…

1) Make sure I put absolutely pristine, super-clean, white underwear on! In fact I might go buy some new ones right now. If I am fortunate enough to get raptured then my tighty-whities will be left lying in the street, left behind for all those walking buy to see. Can you imagine the horror of those left behind if my underwear was nasty? Oh my goodness. The embarrassment and shame! I can’t even bear the thought. And if I don’t fly away, then I want a clean pair on so that when I crap in them…oh well…you get the picture!

2) Run through the streets naked. Yes, butt stinking naked. I don’t know why, but it has always been one of those few things I lack the courage to do. The embarrassment is so extreme when your friends, neighbors, and popo see you. Plus, when the popo do finally catch you and cuff you, they throw you in the back of their squad car where you must sit on those plastic seats in the rear of the car with only your bare ass cheeks. Do you know what drunks and criminals have done on those seats? Puke, crap, etc! They are plastic for a reason readers! Eewww!! Disgusting. But, if I only have one day left…what the hell! Come on people and join me. Run naked and be free people! You know that deep down in those places we never talk about you want to!

3) Buy lot’s of tequila and whiskey. I could explain my rationale…but do I really need to?

4) Have myself and my family kiss toads and frogs. Why? Fairytales people! If we kiss enough freaking toads and frogs maybe one will suddenly transform into a prince or princess and we will all live happily ever after! So I am puckering up and sucking face with every frog and toad I see! The way I figure it, if a little peck MIGHT transform the slimy creature, then sucking tongue with a frog or toad would SURELY do the trick! I am concerned however that with my misfortune and bad luck I might be the one that gets “lucky” and ends up with the prince.

5) I am ripping out all my teeth and laying them under my pillow. Then I am going to drink coffee and Redbull all night long. About midnight, I am going to creep into bed, almost close both eyes (you know what I’m talking about…close them to where just a slit remains that is blurry to see through) and wait for the tooth fairy. When that little bastard comes I am going to catch him and beat the living crap out of him/her. I have politely ignored doing this for the last 11 years as I have been concerned with the fortune and well-being of all mankind. After all, that’s the kind of guy I am. Always looking out for others, I am. But I really hate the damn tooth fairy! Actually, I abhor him/her. For the last eleven years I have had to keep my happy ass awake and put money under my kids pillows because the freaking tooth fairy never shows up at my house. What’s up with that? I have lost both time and money because of the tooth fairy. With the world coming to an end tomorrow…well lets just say tonight I finally settle the score with the tooth fairy! In thinking about my sinister plot I must admit that Santa Claus is lucky it’s not Christmas time or his jolly fat ass would be in trouble too!

6) I am not brushing my teeth! Yes, I know dear reader that you are now overly disgusted (as are all the toads and frogs out there), but please consider my rationale. If I am raptured tomorrow then I will be an angel. Have you ever heard of an angel with bad breathe? Of course not! I will be made heavenly and smell wonderful (including my breathe). No problem with not brushing my teeth if this situation occurs! If I remain here for the apocalypse, then I am considering the idea that I just might end up being a zombie. If this could be true then I want the nastiest breathe I can have. I want to scare the crap out of everyone. Anything less would be uncivilized for a zombie. Makes sense now…doesn’t it?

7) I am going to eat lots of refried beans, starting right now! I am going to eat them for the next few hours till they are flowing out of my ears. Then later this afternoon I am going to run around and drop nasty, gooey, stinky chalupas everywhere I think they should be delicately placed (like select neighbors yards and certain places of business). Why? Happy, sweet revenge! If you have pissed me off, then a nice pile of bean shit might just be waiting for you in the morning. The way I see it, there is no time like the present to get revenge. Today, is the day of reckoning for me. By tomorrow, some people will be gone, and those that are left will not care about a pile of shit on their doorstep as they will have far greater concerns. With my enlightened understanding, I feel that there is no time like the present to extract revenge!

Keep one eye on me people. You just might see me running down the street butt naked, sucking tongue with a frog and dropping chalupas as I go!

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